Puns for the Educated Mind

I love a good pun! That is one of the reasons I am a big fan of the writing of William Shakespeare. Here are some puns that a friend sent to me so I can't take any credit for them but I hope you enjoy!

 

 

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I'll go on a head.”

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said 'Keep off the Grass'.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and said, “I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said, “Dam!”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One said, “I've lost my electron.” The other said, “Are you sure?” The first replied, “Yes, I'm positive.”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.